(A REBUTTAL TO THINE SLANDEROUS ACCOUNTE.)
To Yon Author of Ye “Pilgrim’s Diary Revealed”:
Thine Tayle “Pilgrim’s Diary Revealed” is full of Calumnies, False-hoodes, and ye mountains of Bulle-Shytte of the highest order. Wherefore shalst I beginneth in enumerating the many Faultes it holdeth?
Firstly, there in all Plymouth ist notte one Soule who thinketh of our Day of Thanks unto our Divyne Providence as “Thanksgiving”. Ye author insisteth on this Nayme, yette of us two score and one Soules who cometh to this Land for religious freedome, etc., none of us ever calleth it such.
Also, none looketh upon ye day of Reverence as a tyme for Gluttony, surely a sin which shalt NEVER be associayted with this holey Day. We “Pilgrims”, as you “Americans” calleth us, were the most pious, holey people this Blessed Lande hath ever seeneth. So thine allegations of Piggery seemeth a load of Pure Shyte!
Lasteth, thine Grosse and Ridiculous exaggeration of ye lacke of Goode Spelling mocketh us sorely. Surely thee knowst our Pilgrimmes were not so feeble-mynded as to not spell a Worde twyce the same way yette in a single sentence of Wryting, Ye Arse-hole! Pisseth me off to thinke of it.
The reste of it, being quite Trew. Especially ye did indeed painteth a Fayre and Trew protrayte of ye randy, loathsome Toole, mine malodourous olde friend, Myles Standish. Mine compliments on that partickular aspect. Thou hast nayled his arse, totally.
John Alden, Esq.
Colonist, Mayflower Settlement